Horological Meandering

pplater
5425

• Show profile
• Show other posts

The ‘Coda Horologica’...

[Please take this offering in the light-hearted spirit in which it is intended. It is the ‘Coda Horologica’: a beginner’s guide to some of the most [mis]used terms on a watch forum].

A

AD. A sales-ninja: someone expertly versed in the skill of persuading you that you really need to pay more than you earn for the only thing on display that you don’t want but which is the only stock he’s been allocated of the only brand in his store that you wouldn’t have asked to see in the first place. Anyone who went in to buy a new strap and walked out with a platinum perpetual calendar has met a black-belt AD.

Amanico. An organic perpetual word-processing machine invented by the French which is capable of producing at least 10,000 words in five different languages in a single 24-hour period, fuelled only by platinum collectibles and old Rolexes.

B

Baselworld. Like Disneyworld for the horologically-obsessed, but the cartoon characters are all members of AHCI and you don’t eat popcorn, you read it. More leggy models, champagne, spin doctors and Armani per square metre than the Kodak Theatre on Oscar night. Not for the faint of heart or light of wallet.

C

COSC. The “Contrôle Officiel Suisse des Chronomètres”: introduced by those canny Swiss in 1973 as a form of licence to print money.

Castro, Fidel. A benign despot capable of long stream-of-consciousness speeches who rules with an iron fist but is curiously much respected and much supported by his proletariat. A close associate of Rolex’ most famous ambassador, Ernesto ‘Che’ Guevara.

D

Deployant. The name given to a watch strap buckle which opens and fastens by the use of hinged ‘extenders’, without completely opening the strap. It was invented by Louis Cartier in 1910. The word ‘deployant’ comes from the French , itself from the Old French and from Latin: + a, to fold; meaning ‘to unfold’. It is often (and infuriatingly) referred to mistakenly as a "deployment" clasp. ‘Deployment’ is something that unhinged Commanders-in-Chief extend to the nation’s brightest and youngest from the comfort and safety of their own armchairs. 

E

Equation of Time watches. If you can work them out, please share with the rest of us. Seemingly as practical as a cat-flap on a submarine.

F

Flaming. The practice of responding to a forum post in a belligerent, obstreperous and intolerant manner. The last refuge of the ignorant.

Flipper.

1. The intelligent dolphin star of an eponymous 60’s television program whose loyalty to humans and attention span were sufficient to enable it to alert, then direct, the Coast Guard to the obscure location of many a maritime emergency, episode after episode.

1. A species of watch collector with somewhat less of the loyalty or attention span of the aquatic mammal.

G

Grail. If you get it, you don’t ‘get’ it.

H

“Help identify this watch” posts. In one instance in a thousand, this is a genuine call for assistance in identifying an old or obscure wristwatch. In the other 999 instances it is a genuine call from a counterfeiter [member since: today; post count: 1] for suggestions as to the way in which Version I of his copy Rolex/IWC/Patek/VC may be better improved in order to increase the prospects of Version II suckering the wives, brothers, sisters and children of the very people who freely offer up those observations when next they travel to Canal Street, Hong Kong or Bali.

I

IMHO. “In my humble opinion”. Usually, about as sincere as ‘with great respect..’ or ‘my worthy opponent…’ and in the IMVHO iteration as insincere as the artless ‘with the very greatest of respect…’

Information. According to Gordon Gekko, information is ‘the most valuable commodity’. On a watch forum you get it free, but consider paying for it by giving some back. See also Passion; Opinion.

J

Jaquet Droz. Once the name of a PPro forum reflecting the name of a watch brand. Since the forum closed the brand lost its talented CEO Manuel Emch. Coincidence? You be the judge. Others, take note…

K

Korona K3 Black Moon – a Sarpaneva watch which displays the phases of the moon oriented to the new moon as opposed to the full moon. Which is great – as far as it goes. It does however permit a segue to the question ‘what is it about moon phase watches?’ Can we survive a working day without seeing a 3mm or 4mm figure of a moon cut a small arc on a dial and supposedly represent accurately the status of the moon’s cycle? For whom does it truly matter that the moon phase by ‘Brand X’ will lose one half-day in one thousand and ninety three years? George Burns? Methuselah? Do cockroaches wear moon phase watches (after all, they are the only ones who’ll be around then)? Surely it is primarily a romantic or whimsical complication – and there’s no shame in that. They are often beautiful watches. When considering a response, please see Passion; Opinion; Information; Flaming.

L

LNIB. In a Public Forum post means “Like New In Box”. In a Collectors’ Market post means “Literally Nothing Is Believable”

M

Minute Repeater. Arguably, the horological equivalent of the Emperor’s new clothes. Nary a word is written other than to praise or covet this mystically revered and generally unattainable example of the master watchmaker’s craft. For just a guilty moment, though, be honest – really honest – with yourself: as technically brilliant as they may be, do you really, truly, want or need a watch that ‘pings’ on the quarter/half/hour whatever you may be doing? In church; at a funeral; in a conference call; in an ‘intimate moment’; in the cubicle of a public convenience; as you are rocking the baby to sleep; just as you have got your bloodhound to settle; just as Clark Gable says “Frankly, Madame…” as you watch a re-run of “Gone With The Wind”? Of course, to avoid these risks which lurk around every corner you can turn it off: then you may as well have bought a simple two-hand, time-only piece, with the added advantage that it won’t have a useless slide on the side of the case.

MSRP. The price charged by an Authorised Dealer for the first watch sold to an unsuspecting novice who then considers himself/herself unbelievably lucky to have escaped paying a premium for the ‘virtually unobtainable’ Timex that he/she has just had the good fortune to stumble upon. In a Faustian pact which goes unspoken, anyone who returns to the AD for a second or subsequent purchase is then admitted into the secret society of ‘discounts’, characterised by offer and counter-offer whispered out of the earshot of other customers or punched furtively onto desktop calculators passed between dealer and new-found friend. The level of the discount increases proportionally to the level and frequency of the purchases; not unlike most other cults, really.

N

Newbie. Someone who pays full MSRP at an AD.

O

Opinion. One of the three required ingredients for full enjoyment of a watch forum, and the great thing is that, like noses, everybody has one. See also “Passion’ and ‘Information’. When communicated and shared evenly and honestly, these three ingredients combine to make a veritable feast at the best banquet in town.

P

PayPal. A clever internet tool designed to delay and disguise the appearance of a watch purchase on the matrimonial credit card statement.

Passion. Great hot; disgusting cold. Best served with a side of objectivity, topped with courtesy. See also: Opinion, Information.

Q

Questions. What a forum contributor dreads to hear from a ‘significant other’. Examples: “I haven’t seen that one before, have I?” “This must be a mistake - do you know what this charge is on the Amex card?” “What is there for me to do in Geneva?” “What shall we do with the tax refund?” “Haven’t you already got six of those?” “When are you going to turn that thing off and come to bed?” “I don’t care what Bimbeano’s buddy drives: why did we have to sell the house?” The more experienced players pick the early-warning signs (raised eyebrows, frown, flushed cheeks, hands on hips, flying ashtrays) and, just as the question is being asked, feign a mild myocardial infarction.

R

ROFL. Literally: “Rolling on the floor laughing”. As if any sentient adult is ever so stricken by the levity of a watch-related post that he/she descends from his/her seat to rock from side to side on his/her back whilst guffawing. Still, it is a more convenient acronym than the clumsier but more accurate SGIFOMCSIMSRYPATITMWAWGOMFEASCSIDWTD (‘sitting guiltily in front of my computer screen in my shorts reading your post at two in the morning with a wry grin on my face emitting a soft chuckle so I don’t wake the dog’).

ROFLMAO. (see also ‘ROFL’). Literally: “Rolling on the floor laughing my a*se off”. Hyperbole: anatomically improbable, and a decidedly unwelcome mental image in any event.

S

“Small ding only noticeable under magnification”. As credible as ‘the cheque’s in the mail’ or ‘of course I’ll respect you in the morning’.

SOTC. Acronym meaning ‘Still Others To Collect’. A kind of visual progress report from collectors in the Twelve Steps program.

T

Thomas; aka St. Thomas; Dr Mao; the Wandering Purist. The host, and sometime chef, MC and bouncer, at the best banquet in town. See also: Castro, Fidel.

U

Urwerk. See: Grail.

V

Vianney. Like an uber-model, pop star or President, Vianney needs only one name to be instantly recognisable to any self-respecting watch fiend. Think ‘Peter Pan meets Jules Verne’. Responsible in whole or in part for some of the most imaginative and difficult pieces to be (or yet-to-be) produced, including the Cabestan and the near-mythical Opus 3. We know you’re out there, Vianney: love your work!

W

Well-balanced collection. Your collection is at its most well-balanced when your ‘significant other’ can't decide between staying with you and tolerating your 'habit' or leaving you because of it...

WIS. Acronym: “Watch Idiot Savant” (attrib.).This explanation ignores the clinical definition of ‘idiot savant’:  “The word idiot usually refers to a simpleton, in contrast to the word "savant" in French that means "learned one." Idiot savants are a subgroup of a class of people called idiots with an IQ of about 25. Idiot savants are a group of humans that are incapable of learning, writing or reading, yet they have unlimited access to specific, accurate knowledge in the fields of mathematics, music, and other precise areas”. (Dr Lee Warren, 1996, PLIM report).  Harsh, Dr Warren, harsh! The good doctor clearly hasn’t read an AndrewD post. Arguably better viewed as a genus of watch collector rather than a species and, judging from the range of posts one reads, probably more usefully segregated into two sub-species: the ‘WS’ and the ‘WI’.

X

Xue (Cheng). Moderator of the next PPro forum (thanks cen!).

Y

Yvan Arpa. Unquestionably the most talented alchemist in the world. A man capable of turning dung to gold; of making a fortune from misfortune. If only his prodigious talent had been used for the good of watch-kind.

Z

Zenith. A manufacture with an impeccable reputation which has emerged from a dark period and returned to form despite the strong personal touch of a former CEO during whose incumbency the brand could have been re-named ‘Nadir’. See also: Yvan Arpa.

Cheers,

pplater.

Site Info.